This very week, stillbirthday has been here for 2 years. And, this very week, we have reached over 1,000,000 families.
We are growing and reaching in more ways than I’ve ever fathomed.
Which makes this message a painful one, an embarrassing one, but one I must share.
If you’ve spent any amount of time in the Heidi’s Pieces section of stories, you’ve come to know that I had a very painful childhood, one filled with trauma, abuse and neglect.
And you’ll quickly come to know that I became a Christian in my adult life.
And then my baby was born in the first trimester.
My baby, who is not alive.
Who was called debris.
And we were denied services by a prominent bereavement organization I won’t even mention.
And my baby still doesn’t have a headstone. Two years later. Because stillbirthday is where I come to mourn, and because it is an honor to share this place with others who are hurting. And because all funds generated through stillbirthday get poured back into stillbirthday.
My husband and I began stillbirthday, as a way to give a glimpse of hope to those enduring the darkness we have been.
And Christians, who wouldn’t ask me about my own personal experience, told me to make stillbirthday extremely pro-life.
And non-Christians, who likewise, never bothered to know about my heartbreak, demanded stillbirthday portray elective abortion as something light or easy.
I have done nor will do neither.
I have had the most slanderous and maliciously cruel things said about me, I’ve had my work stolen, I’ve had my grief journey insulted.
Christians, who didn’t ask me where my source of hope has come from, spoke with judgment and discrimination and told me condescendingly that the Bible needs to be the only source of encouragement for bereavement.
Non-Christians, who likewise, failed to be curious about the individual of me, accused me of being judgmental and discriminatory.
I have never done nor will I ever do either.
However,
In the darkness through which stillbirthday was born, I was panicked in my own faith.
I was terrified that God was not at all who I thought He was.
And in that panic, I did saturate evangelistic approaches in some of the thoughts I had early in my grief.
In a moment of pure transparency, two years later, 1 million people later, I desperately cry in embarrassment,
I am so sorry.
I am so sorry for the shame or condemnation or judgment I might have inadvertently cast upon you in your darkest of days.
I never, ever meant to bring any more pain.
I have grown and matured in this impossible darkness and terrible but beautiful journey, and I have since those earliest days revised the things that stung my heart as I found my old words through new eyes.
I am Christian.
I always will be.
But pregnancy and infant loss, it isn’t.
It knows no boundaries.
It touches every continent, every culture and every community.
I desire stillbirthday to do the same.
And, I realize that in order to truly do that, I need you to know this:
I am a 30-something, Caucasian, American, Christian mother. This is the lens I come from.
But I want your help to learn about you.
And I beg your forgiveness as I stumble on the journey.
I have been through a lot, and I trust you have too.
I have learned,
That God isn’t who I thought He was.
I am Christian,
And it is not what I thought it was.
And while the lessons have been terribly painful ones,
I am thankful for them.
I am Christian,
And it’s probably not what you thought it was, either.
Whoever you are, wherever you are,
I just want to bring you love, but I am hurting too, and I ask you, to please find it within yourself, to bring love too.
It takes a large spirit to write these words and humble yourself before other.
May we grow more and more in our own picture of God, but never judge others for their pictures.. as it is real to them, as much as God is real to us.
I know your heart – more importantly, God knows your heart. I had a miserable 4 years until my friend started blasting me with this message: “It’s none of my business what others think of me” joy is returning, little by little – Bible says we are to have joy alway…. despite circumstances – we have to rely on God, walk on His light and be the best we can be. Love you and the encouragement, inspiration and love you’ve given me. Blessings, aL
Thank you for your honesty. I think that any one us who have loved and lost a baby would have to agree with you. We could tailor your words to suit any situation. I think we’re all finding out that LIFE isn’t what we thought it would be. Not to mention, God, marriage, friends, family…..honestly, even GRIEF isn’t what I thought it would be. But I guess that’s the mystery of it. It’s first punch knocks you so completely out that you lay there and take all the rest of the beating without struggle. In time, even that painful grief becomes like a familiar friend.There are different similarities that bind us to each other. It may be a common faith, or interest, or (as in many of our cases) a common loss and heartbreak. It’s a journey, and none of us has gotten it all figured out, yet. So, we love you and are thankful for the forum you’ve opened up to all of us to share the pain with others. We’re all in this together…..
Heidi, I LOVE how you have written this humble letter and bared your soul, your pain, and the stumbling blocks thrown into your path and journey.
Although I have not lost a baby, I have attended more stillbirths than I would like to count and the pain and grief and anguish truly knows no boundaries. Even those who do not believe in any god, cry out to a ‘higher power’ in the depths of their sorrow.
I believe stillbirthday is exactly how God envisioned it to be — non-denominational, non-sectarian, non-religious — because that is exactly who GOD is! This is a ministry that God had planned long before the foundations of the world were laid, and you were his chosen vessel to bring forth this ministry. Ignore the naysayers, the braggarts, the ones who point crooked fingers and call you shameless names.
Go forth with your humble heart full of love and compassion for those who are walking the same path as you are. God will continue to bless you abundantly as you follow His Voice and trust Him to lead you down roads not yet travelled, through valleys not yet traversed, and to stand in freedom of Spirit and Truth at the mountain’s peak!
I have no doubt that when the time comes, you will hear from the Lord, “Well done, my good and faithful servant. Well done! Come and join the Feast…”
Heidi…your words are beautiful. I struggle everyday with religion. I too had a hard upbringing and this has taught me so much more than it has taken. My Paternal Grandparents are from Ireland and one is a Protestant and one a Catholic, who came together, fell in love, and ran away to the USA to escape the torture they faced to be together…from them I learned you do not have to share the same beliefs as your spouse to love them. My Father is a Catholic who didnt come to religion till a few years ago, my Mother is a practicing Wiccan, my best friend a Muslim, my spouse a Catholic, and my children (thus far) have chosen a christian life. I have not…I have gone back and forth with religion and battled my hardest when my angel was born…now when asked what my religious views are I reply with this “I believe in humanity, I believe we all need faith to survive and my faith is in humanity.” I am happy that you are embracing that not all people believe the same way you do, and this in itself I feel makes you a leader in your religion. For no faith encourages judgement or persecution to someone who does not believe as you do. I applaud your honesty and am excited to know you more. The loss of our children is the hardest thing we have to face but having such wonderful people to surround yourself with makes this journey not so lonely…all my love and well wishes to you <3